10 things to do when marriage gets hard

Love.

We write about it. We sing about it. We make movies about it, obsess over it, celebrate it, and mourn it when it doesn’t last. We date and get engaged and plan the wedding. We read books about it and make wedding registries. There are showers and parties and celebrations. We get dressed in wedding attire and stand before our closest family and friends and it all feels like a fairy tale.

Within the first few years so many of those fairy tales get ripped apart and leave a bitter mark. Marriages crumble all around us, adultery has become normal, and society encourages us to do what makes us happy regardless of how it affects the lives of others.

This post is for anyone who is in those first months or years of marriage and is wondering why no one told you that it would be this hard. You probably feel a little betrayed by Cinderella and Snow White. They didn’t prepare your heart for this. Maybe you’re afraid to admit that you’re struggling. Our society worships false perfection and impossible standards, and it can be so easy to get caught up in the comparison game and try to cover up the problem until the burden becomes too much to bear.

My husband and I have been married for three years, and though that doesn’t seem like a long time, during those three years we have lived with in-laws, weathered two overseas moves, had a baby overseas, and started a non profit organization (which entails working together for countless hours and agreeing on a lot of things!) We have had our share of tough times, but one thing has remained the same. We desire to honor God with our marriage. That means that we fight for each other. We apologize and ask for forgiveness when we’re wrong. We don’t let the sun go down on our anger. We work as a team.

I know that sometimes, all of that is much easier said than done! What we have to remember, dear one, is that marriage is opposed. The enemy hates marriage because it was created as a representation of God’s love for his church aka you and me. He hates it because he hates the love that we share with God and so he seeks to destroy it. There are times when I begin to argue with my husband and then I stop because I recognize the enemy at work and refuse to let him have a place in my marriage or in my life.

I want to share 10 things to do when marriage gets hard.

1. Realize that your spouse is a mirror. This is probably the hardest thing to do because our pride doesn’t want to come face to face with our flaws! Your spouse is a mirror that will show you the good and bad parts of your heart. It’s easy to let them compliment you and show you the good, but what about when the bad surfaces? Do you struggle with serving others? This will come out when you gripe and complain about having to fix your spouse supper and wash the dishes. Do you have trust issues? This will come out when you are constantly going through his phone and interrogating him. Do you have a spending problem? This will come out when he confronts you about credit card debt. And most of the time, we don’t respond gracefully. We get mad because we are being shown the bad parts of our hearts and are too prideful to admit that we are wrong. The root of all of those issues is something within your own heart that you have to let Jesus develop and change. Next time you get annoyed because of a disagreement with your spouse, ask The Lord what he is trying to show you and how He is trying to develop your character.

2. Don’t ever leave. I realize that in certain circumstances like abuse or endangerment, leaving is the right choice. But in every other instance, you should never leave. Don’t get into a fight with your spouse and go spend the night with your Mom. Don’t go stay with your friend and tell them all about how terrible your spouse is. When Chris and I lived in Peru right after we got married, I couldn’t leave when we got into an argument! There was no where for me to go since my Mom was on a different continent, and I couldn’t leave and walk around because the area where we lived at that time was dangerous. I think that is one of the main reasons that we grew so close during that time and worked out so many issues… because we had no other choice but to stay and work it out! Make a decision with your spouse that you won’t ever spend the night in another house, another room, or on the couch because you will fight for each other and work it out. When the moment comes, remind your spouse of that decision and seek to hold to it.

3. Practice healthy communication. I can’t communicate when someone yells at me. I involuntarily just burst into tears! I really just hate when someone speaks harshly. Chris doesn’t like to feel attacked. Feeling supported by me is so important to him. So, Chris and I have a rule. He can’t raise his voice when we have a disagreement and I can’t make accusations. We read Keep Your Love On (which you should buy right this second. It will change your life forever!) and learned how to communicate with “I messages”. Basically, your sentence goes like this… “I feel (blank) when you (blank) and I need to feel (blank).” A good example of healthy communication using this model would be to say “I feel disrespected when you interrupt me and I need to feel respected.” Or “I feel unsupported when you don’t take your turn washing the dishes and I need to feel supported.” If there was one thing that I could tell you to buy and read with your spouse besides the Bible, it would be Keep Your Love On!

4. Talk about them like they’re the best thing since sliced bread. Be their biggest fan. Encourage them when no one else does. When someone else criticizes them, be the first person to take up for them. Be a team. One of the worst things that we can do is go to our parents or our friends and badmouth our spouse. This is like poison! The poison comes right out of your mouth and into their hearts and they form a negative opinion of your spouse. The problem comes when you decide to forgive your spouse and make up with them but the person you vented to DOES NOT. They continue to bear the burden that you just dumped off on them! Make it a habit to speak highly of your spouse no matter what. Even if you don’t really feel like it! In Romans 4:17 it says to speak things that are not as though they were. That means that you declare blessings and good things about your spouse and it will come to pass. Next time you feel like complaining to someone else about your spouse, make it a point to point out their good qualities and brag on them!

5. Honor them publicly and privately. Let them know that you are thankful for them. Show them that you believe in them even when you don’t feel like they deserve it. Brag on their accomplishments and compliment them on their strengths. And don’t change when you get behind closed doors. No one wants to go home with the person who acts like a saint out in public and then turns into a crazy person behind closed doors. Every time you catch yourself starting to complain to your spouse about something they’ve done, make it a point to compliment them on one of their strengths instead! It will shift your perspective and remind you of all you have to be thankful for.

6. Be the kind of person that you want to be married to. Do you hold your spouse to an impossible standard that you personally aren’t living up to yourself? Do you expect them to work all day and then clean the house and cook supper when you aren’t willing to do the same? Do you expect them to save money and be a good steward when you are charging up some credit cards? I encourage you to list out all of the good qualities that you desire for your spouse to possess and then work on those things in yourself and in your own life! Read about the fruits of the spirit in Galatians chapter five and then evaluate yourself on how you are doing in each area. Seek to please God with your own actions and behaviors before you criticize your spouse for doing the exact same things that you are doing.

7. Restore the standard. I heard a message by Kris Vallotton about forgiveness restoring the standard and it completely changed by life. It was about how forgiving someone restores the standard so you can’t use things against people or throw the past up in someone’s face after you have offered forgiveness to that person. Then, your standard is restored and following the example of our Heavenly Father, we cast their sins as far as the east is from the west (Psalm 103:12). When your spouse makes a mistake, forgive them and let the standard be restored.

8. Make the most of the hard times. There have been times in our marriage that Chris and I were shooting fireworks into the crystal clear night skies in Austria and touring Europe. There have also been times when we were literally counting our spare change to be able to buy groceries. There have been times when we couldn’t afford to go on a date so we made Ramen noodles, lit candles, and got all dressed up for a dinner date in our apartment! It is so important to make the most of hard times. When the going gets tough, make it fun and make it special. Don’t complain and make the hard times even harder for your spouse. You are in this thing together and it won’t always be this hard, but you will always remember how you handled the situation! I would much rather have a memory of dressing up for a fancy dinner and eating Ramen noodles by candlelight than a memory of fighting and crying because we couldn’t afford filet mignon.

9. Make sure that your “Biblical Submission” is really Biblical. This is something that is often abused and misused in the religious world. I used to think submission was so weird because I had an incorrect understanding of what it meant. My mother-in-love explained it so well when she said submission meant she never had to worry that her husband was going to make a decision that wouldn’t be in her best interest. She knew and trusted that all of the decisions he made were made out of love for her, and he was always conscious of her needs and desires in all of those decisions. This is a balance. The husband is loving his wife in word and action and the wife is honoring and respecting her husband. When one side of this balance is out of whack, the whole thing gets out of line with God’s perfect design. On the other side of things, when one side is out of whack, it doesn’t give the other side the right to check out. A marriage isn’t 50/50. Sometimes it’s one person giving 70% and one person giving 30%. You never give up on each other.

10.Pray for them. This is the most important piece of advice I can give you. Pray for your spouse. Declare God’s word over them. If you see an area in their lives that they struggle with, pray for them! If you don’t feel that your spouse is being a strong leader in your household, declare God’s word over them especially Ephesians chapter 5. Praying for your spouse shifts your perspective and takes you from a place of discouraging them to a place of fighting for them in prayer.

No marriage is perfect (don’t let Facebook fool you), and the day to day struggle can easily take our eyes off of the eternal. Let’s refocus together, set our eyes upon Jesus, and fight for our marriages. I am praying for you, dear one. I’m praying for your marriage and your heart. And I’m with you in the beautiful, hard, frustrating, wonderful mess of it all.

With messy hair and wild grace,

Ellyn