If you’ve ever been pulled out of the darkness.

I’ll confess something to you. I don’t always share the bad things. I want to. I really, really want to be authentic and transparent with you guys. But I’m a glass-half-full kind of girl. An extremist glass-half-full kind of girl. I will deny pessimism to the end of time and like it’s going out of style. I’m recovering from my condition that I’ll just call “blissful denial of all things negative.” Because if the glass is always half full, it can paint a picture that isn’t real. A picture that my life is perfect. A picture that causes other people to feel inadequate or sad. A picture that isn’t at all the truth. And I don’t want to paint that picture. Ever. I want to be honest because honestly, we are all the same. We all struggle, we all fail sometimes, we all cry and get frustrated and yell at our families and wish we wouldn’t have. We are all saved by grace. I want my life to point to Jesus, not to perfectly edited Instagram photos or clever Facebook posts. Because if we aren’t being real, then what’s the point of it all?

3 years ago, if you would have asked me where I wanted to be today, I wouldn’t have said doing what I’m doing. I would have told you that I would be running a refuge home already. That I would have my residency card in Peru. That I would be seeing hearts healed on the daily in Freedom House and that the dream God had given me would have already come true.

I would not have told you that my husband and I would be running a missions organization. I would not have said that I would be writing a devotion book for women and that I would have a heart for women’s ministry in the United States. I would have probably told you that I would never work in ministry in the United States and that the only place for me was on the dusty roads of South America, going on adventures. I wouldn’t have told you that I was aiming to raise $100,000 annually to reach the nations or that The Lily and The Sparrow would be what it is. Or that we would have an office in Peru. I never really cared about an office. I cared about a refuge home and only a refuge home.

Because, you see, those dreams were too big for me. I wouldn’t have ever dreamed them up. But God’s plans for our lives are always so much bigger than our own.

If you have been with us through this whole journey, then you have seen pictures and read about some really miraculous things that God has done. You have seen us climbing in the mountains in Peru and working with people in developing communities. Recently, you’ve seen the ministry expand to Brazil. You have seen us doing things that bring so much joy to our hearts. Things that feel good. It feels good to feed the hungry and to help someone start a business that will provide for their family. Or get an education that they would have never been able to afford. Or launch them into ministry and help them fulfill their dreams.

What I haven’t written about very much is how incredibly hard it has all been. I think I’ve just been afraid to let you down. Or to scare you away from missions. I’ve told myself that I don’t share the really bad parts because I’m protecting people’s hearts who wouldn’t understand. But I think maybe that’s just a cop-out. Maybe I’ve just been afraid. And I don’t want to walk in fear anymore. We have faced things that have rocked us. We have been through the hardest moments of our lives and came out desperately seeking Jesus. 3 years ago, if you would have told me that we would go through the things we have been through, I would have probably turned around an run the other way. I would have probably never gotten on the plane and left my home. And The Lily and the Sparrow would have never existed. We would have never met our ministry partners in Peru who have become our best friends. We would have never been able to touch the lives of people that God has given us the honor of working with. I might have never started writing.

My life today isn’t what my goals for my life were 3 years ago when I decided to move overseas and work in missions. I had an idea of ministry and missions that was all about rose colored lenses and not too much about the actual reality of it.

I don’t want to paint a picture for you that isn’t authentic and genuine. Am I incredibly honored to be a part of God’s plan and blown away by what He has done in our lives? YES. Has this been the hardest thing I have ever done? YES.

Church is weird. I say that all the time. Church is weird because people are weird and people make up The Church. I’ve decided more than once that I was never going back to church or being in ministry because of whatever reason. And then I’ve come down off of my extremist pedestal and reminded myself that people are the church. And I believe in people so much. I believe in you and I believe in your dreams and I believe that people and their humanity have the power to change the world through compassion. And so I believe in The Church. I believe in it so much.

People tell me all the time that we are such great people for doing what we do. For living in a third world country and working with people who are in need of God’s love. I guess what I want to tell you is that there is no difference in me and you. There isn’t some secret holiness that makes me want to go to places that don’t have running water or go through hardships to show God’s love to people. It’s the same Jesus that lives within all of us. It’s Him that gives us the desire to go out of our way to love others. I don’t always want to meet with someone who needs help in Peru when I know they are going to show up late and traffic is going to be terrible and my baby is fussy. I would honestly rather stay home and watch Netflix sometimes. But Jesus loves me so much and I carry His love within me and that gives me strength to do the hard things. It’s the same love that gives you the strength to put your schedule on hold so you can help someone change a tire in the Walmart parking lot in the middle of July when it is so hot. It’s the same love that makes you go out of your way to take a plate of food to a friend who has been sick or stay up until 3am talking to your sister who has been dealing with depression. The secret isn’t some unattainable level of sainthood. It’s just as simple as showing up, being there,  and loving people. 

Maybe you aren’t where you thought you would be today. Maybe you are in a completely different place than you thought you would be and you feel like somehow you’ve failed. Listen to me. You have not failed. You have not messed everything up. Life is hard and life is messy and life is worth living. God has incredible plans for you. Plans that you can’t even dream up. And it’s not about having the perfect 10 year plan or being able to map out your future. It’s not about being perfect and never making mistakes.

It’s about taking the next step even when you are walking blind. It’s about believing that there is purpose in this moment even when it is the hardest day of your life. It’s about knowing that God is good. Always. Even when you can’t understand what in the world is happening. Even when your heart is broken. Even when you aren’t even close to where you thought you would be. God’s plans aren’t our plans. They’re better. Wherever you are, whatever you’re doing, know that He has a plan for you.

Life is full of storms. Storms that come down in torrential proportions and storms that can cause you to sink below the surface of everything you ever knew. I believe the reason that it is so important for us to be real and honest, the reason that it is so important for us to share our stories, is because of the same reason that Jesus spoke to the wind and waves and told them to be still. The power of words spoken. We all have the power to pull someone else up out of the darkness. Anyone who has ever been sinking knows the truth. That you long for someone to reach out their hand to you, right where you are, and tell you that they know your darkness. They know your hurt. And they love you too much to leave you there.

With messy hair and wild grace,

Ellyn