Disconnecting to Reconnect

I’m sitting on my mama’s porch listening to the song of the woods around me. Tree branches obscure my view of the sky and I watch the sun peeking through, a comfort. I’ve lost all sense of time, the hour and the day. Is it Monday or Tuesday, I wonder, but I don’t look at my phone to check. I let myself be unaware.

I haven’t written here much in the past couple of months. Life in Peru during our past 6 months overseas was intense. We lived every day as an emergency. It’s so hard not to in a third world country, in the middle of so much need, when so many people depend on you and look to you for help. We found ourselves stretched to the limit, answering every call, looking for land to purchase, counseling every person in need, running out at 3am to the hospital when a friend of a friend was admitted and called for help, bouncing a baby on my knee when the van broke down and we waited outside in the dusty road for it to be fixed. It’s so hard not to try to be everything to everyone. 

Our lives our so public. We share so many intimate details, so many personal moments, so much of who we are is visible to the world. Especially as missionaries, writing updates about the work we have been doing, the people we have met, the foods we eat in South America. I found myself upset because we went through a tough time and I didn’t have anything good to write for the world to see. I know that it’s human need, to be seen, to be known. That’s why social media is so huge today. We love to share our hearts and be understood, a part of a community that loves us.

I felt it in the first moment that I sat at the computer to write and couldn’t find the words, and I was angry with myself. Why couldn’t I just get it together? Why couldn’t I just get through this hard time and be done with it?

With God, there is always a process. We are continually being molded into His image and I have always loved that. It is exciting and it is an adventure and a journey that I am so thankful to be on. But somehow, in the middle of the struggle, I realized that I hated the process because it wasn’t “good.” Or at least my version of good.

Somehow I had lost the peace that had been so prevalent in my life before. I began to desperately pray and seek Jesus and I stopped writing personal things for a few months. I think the defining moment for me was when I had someone tell me that they were discouraged because my life seemed so perfect. In the moment that they told me that I was going through the most difficult time and felt like my life was anything but perfect. It was so close to my heart because the struggle that I was having was about honesty… about things that had hurt me and grieved my heart in ministry… and I saw how the Internet can make us hurt and long for something that isn’t real. Life isn’t perfect. The hard parts are just as important as the easy parts and God is always working everything together for our good. I took some time to just pray and seek Him because I didn’t want to write anymore if I wasn’t going to be completely honest and real.

Living such open and public lives can be an awesome thing. It can encourage others, we can connect with people on different continents, we can use technology to glorify Jesus in ways that were impossible before. But it can also put so much pressure on us to be perfect and to measure up to what everyone else is doing. It can steal time away from us and our families that is precious. It is so important that we govern our hearts, our time, and our influence online wisely.

In the past 2 months, I have realized three things.

1. There is nothing more beautiful than honesty. Really. Sometimes even when it’s hard, honesty and transparency are the things that remind us that no one is perfect and that something doesn’t have to be perfect to be good. Those two things unite us as human beings and let us relate to one another and laugh with one another. Sometimes life is weird. Ministry is weird. People are weird. 3am with a fussy baby is hard. Sometimes I just want to give up. But God carries me through and it’s his goodness, not mine, that always wins.

2. Sometimes we have to disconnect to reconnect. I think there are moments when we really need to step back and take time to focus inward. On our families, our marriages, our relationship with Jesus. Social media is awesome, I really do love it especially living so far from friends and family, and most of the time I think that it’s the bomb. But there are seasons that God is calling us to disconnect and to take time away from the spotlight so that we can give all of our focus to the most important things.

3. God does not call us to be everything to everybody. That is His job. I’ve really been thinking lately about what I really want to be and to do and how to do that with all of my heart. About the influence I want to have on the world around me and about honesty and vulnerability. I am a wife and a mother, a friend and a counselor, a teacher and a mentor. Those things are true. But I am not a doctor or a nurse. I can’t diagnose mental illness or treat serious wounds. I can’t speak French or fly a plane. I can’t be everything to everyone. I have to trust in God’s plan and His purpose, and I want to rest in Him and know that He is the great I AM. (Exodus 3:14)

We are not called to be perfect. That is the beauty of life with Jesus. He is perfect and He lives in us. We have such wild grace and mercy that comes from the Father’s heart and is available to us every day. His mercies are new every morning. I encourage you to disconnect and reconnect if you need to. Take time away from the spotlight of social media to let Jesus remind you how precious you are and how much He loves you. And if you already know those things, then I encourage you to keep it real. And I promise to do the same. Let’s be honest and open and let Jesus shine through our daily lives, showing the world that His mercy and love is the reason our lives are full and joyful!