Something has been happening to me lately. It’s as if I just woke up and can see clearly for the first time. Or maybe I’ve been able to see clearly for a while, but for the first time my heart is stirred and moved to compassion. I have never been so brutally honest with myself, and so radically desperate for change.
I am somewhat of an extremist in all areas of life. I am either absolutely messy or OCD clean. Hysterical or Ecstatic. Or both at the same time (I know, poor Chris). I am a “give it all” or “none at all” kind of girl. I throw myself wholeheartedly into projects, staying up all night to finish a drawing or carefully clipping vines from my grandma’s yard and rooting them in jars, waiting excitedly for the moment that I can complete the cycle and plant them in fresh soil. I like to see things finished, and finished well. I am a Do-er (with a capital D).
But what about my “Christian” life? Hmmm… *Insert grey area here?*
I like to think that I am radical. I love Jesus. I don’t hang out at the bars or say bad words. After 3.5 years of salvation, I am pretty fluent in the Christianese language. Hedge of protection you might ask? Why yes, I know exactly what that is AND how to use it in a sentence. I consider myself to be involved with the poor, what with my wearing Toms, participating in thanksgiving charity projects, going on mission trips and all of that. (This is seriously the most ridiculous paragraph I have ever written, but isn’t it how we think? Or maybe it’s just me?)
Today, I have wept. Actually, wept is too elegant. It was more like ugly cried- the kind where you can’t breathe and your eyes get swollen- because I realized something that makes my heart ache. Jesus would be grossly out of place in my life. In our churches. In our “Christian” lives. I suspect that upon inviting the disciples into my home, they would be appalled. They would question whether this girl is actually a follower of Jesus. If she is, then what happened to her? How did she get so confused? I would make some excuses for myself. Jesus, Peter, guys, come on….. I am a COLLEGE student for crying out loud. Give me a break. I have NO money. Don’t you understand, all college students are broke. Living the broke life. No dinero. I would tell them that I have absolutely no time to hang out with the homeless. Because I am soooooo busy at church. I can see their faces now. I imagine that they would give me completely blank, confused stares. And then talk among themselves “Guys, what is this girl talking about?”
Oh, Jesus. What in the world am I doing.
I am kind of insane sometimes. I get this spiritual itch and this crazy eye thing starts happening. So last week, I took a nice, long, hard look into some areas of my life. I chose two areas to begin with, starting with my closet (material possessions) and then migrating over to my bank account. I own approximately 8 billion articles of clothing. Seriously. My closet is full, and by full I mean stuffed, with clothes. The top of my closet is also full. As well as my sister’s closet (which I took over before she ever had the chance to make it her own- sorry, Sam) and also 2 giant dressers. All full. Not including my 50 pairs of shoes. Yes, 50. What?! But wait, I kind of have an excuse… I am the hand-me-down girl. Everyone gives me their old bags of clothes and then I become a hoarder, keeping absolutely everything, forever. I have always used this as my excuse to have a heinous amount of clothing. That and the fact that I am the queen of Goodwill, hardly ever shopping in a “real” store.
I honestly have no idea why this has never bothered me before. I have no excuses. It just hasn’t. But suddenly, last week, I became aware of two families in my local church that have practically nothing. I have been blind to poverty in my own city, thinking that Statesboro was full of people just like me. You don’t see homeless people in Statesboro. You don’t see people begging for money like you would in some larger cities. Statesboro is slow, quiet, small. But there are these two families. And so I began to share my heart with some of my best friends, who also love Jesus, and lead lives financially similar to mine. Lives full of stuff. As a group, we began to ask around… to “investigate”… AKA post a “need information post” on Facebook. The amount of information we found was enormous. Homeless families living under a bridge in Statesboro, several homeless people going to churches in our community, single moms raising children alone and struggling. People began to message us with needs, school counselors called us. I was blown away. I am still blown away.
I am cut to the heart by the words of James. “And you say “Good-bye and have a good day; stay warm and eat well.” – But then you don’t give that person any food or clothing. What good does that do? So you see, faith by itself isn’t enough. Unless it produced good deeds, it is dead and useless.” ch 2:16-17
I gave away 9 garbage bags full of clothes and 20 pairs of shoes. And I still have a ‘more than full’ wardrobe. I’m going to go through and purge again. There is just so much that I have to give. After taking away all of that excess, I took a deep, clean, breath and realized that I felt so free. What if Jesus really did call us to a simple life without all of the excess? What if He really meant it when He said “Love your neighbor as yourself.”
I’m having this crazy thought that loving my neighbor as myself might just mean giving away all of my excess. And also half of everything that I have. Chris and I are changing our Peru budget. $15,000 for us to live off of and $15,000 for the Peruvian people. Because we are going there to be the hands and feet of Jesus and He lived His life like that- loving His neighbor has Himself. I want to be like him, touching the lepers, having supper with the marginalized, giving everything for love. I am coming to understand being a disciple of Jesus Christ in a new way. What would Jesus really do if He were with me? If He were standing right beside me, looking at all of my excess, what would He do with it? Who would He invite over for supper? Who would He go out of His way to talk to? These are the questions I’m asking Him, and I have a feeling that His answers are going to turn my world upside down. Because Jesus is radical. His life on Earth was radical. His love is incredible and selfless. He is everything that is good and true and right.
So, this is a journey. I want to be changed. I want my eyes to be opened to Jesus’ way of life. I don’t want religion. I want Jesus. I want to forget what the world calls normal and what society calls normal and live like Jesus did. Because this is my one life that He has given me. He created us all for a purpose. There is nothing unimportant. Every meal at our tables, every dollar that we have, every pair of shoes, every word spoken. I want to live an intentionally radical life. A life where Jesus is the head of every choice and every action. I want people to feel loved even if I never say a word.
My prayer is that God would show me how to love through actions, because our actions and our sacrifices show God’s love in a deep, tangible, unforgettable way.
I believe that God is calling us to a revolution.
Ellyn
